Read: Psalm 22

I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint; my heart is like wax; it is melted within my breast; my mouth is dried up like a potsherd, and my tongue sticks to my jaws; you lay me in the dust of death.
-Psalm 22:14-15

It has been ten years since the night Daniel almost died.

Ten years since I was pasted against the wall by the team rushing into the PICU at UC Davis Children’s Hospital after a Code Blue was called.

Ten years since I followed them down to Daniel’s PICU bay where I stood helpless as they worked on him, completely in shock.

Ten years since the UU chaplain held me as the doctor told me that they were putting Daniel on ECMO because they didn’t think they could bring him back a second time.

Ten years since the UU chaplain held my hair as I threw up into the wastebasket in the Family Room outside the PICU because my stress level was activating my fight-flight-freeze response.

Ten years since I called my twin brother and my former husband Jon to come and be with me at the hospital.

Ten years since I sat in the Family Room and wondered why God was forsaking me.

Ten years since I did one of the hardest things I’ve ever done by signing the ECMO paperwork.

Ten years since I cried all the tears my body could produce so that I wasn’t sobbing but starting to keen instead.

Ten years since the doctor walked in the room and told me that Daniel had improved with a few ventilator tweaks and that he would not be put on ECMO.

Ten years since I slept on the hard floor of the Family Room because Daniel’s room had to stay sterile in case he needed to be put on ECMO in the middle of the night.

Ten years since I simultaneously put God on notice while giving thanks for the miracle my child received.

Ten years since I came to the end of myself… and found that I was embraced and surrounded by God when my strength was utterly sapped,

Ten years since I stopped being able to participate in the Stations of the Cross on Good Friday without starting to cry at various points because I watched my son almost die.

Ten years since I received my son back alive.

Lord Jesus Christ, you stretched out your arms of love on the hard wood of the cross that everyone might come within the reach of your saving embrace: So clothe us in your Spirit that we, reaching forth our hands in love, may bring those who do not know you to the knowledge and love of you; for the honor of your Name. Amen. (Source: BCP, p. 101)
-Jen McCabe